


The Meaning of Family - A Tale of Regret

by Rogue123987



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Also thank you phidari for helping me figure out italics and old on AO3, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Based on Zarla-s' Hapndplate Comics, Child Abuse, Dehumanization, Demonsterization?, Depression, Gen, Knockout Gas That Works on Skeletons, Mentions of Sensory Torture, Panic Attacks, Papyrus has a very bad case of monophobia/seperation anxity, Self Harm, Self-Destructive Gaster, Self-Hatred, Solitary Confinement, Tags are not always in order, Thanks to ScarkitTheMadaNeko on FanFiction for helping me with paragraphs, Unethical Experimentation, War survivor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-05-13 06:42:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5698792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rogue123987/pseuds/Rogue123987
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>W.D Gaster is the Royal Scientist. It's his duty to free monsters from the Underground. He created WDG-1S and WDG-2P so he could do so. Even when the two showed they were sapient he continued until guilt finally caught up with him. What can he do? With everyone counting on him to set them free? Based on Zarla-s' Handplate comics on Tumbler. This fic has been declared dead.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It started the day he stoped

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Handplates](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/168403) by Zarla-s. 



Papyrus stumbled as he was pulled by his soul towards his cell. The scientist who pulled him was shaking as he marched forward far too fast for the small skeleton to keep up. Pausing only to type in the cell’s passcode, he shoved Papyrus inside. The skeleton let out a cry of surprise that echoed through the empty hallway. He barely managed to stick his hands out in front of him before his body crashed against the cold metal floor.

The quiet hum of the blue lasers that acted as the cell’s bars started up as Papyrus pushed himself onto his knees. The scientist backed away, seeming to almost trip over himself, before he turned and left as fast as he could while still keeping his composure.

“bro?” Sans moved to sit next to Papyrus and tapped him lightly. “bro? are you okay?”

“He stopped.”

“huh?”

“He stopped!” The room was filled with an orange glow as Papyrus grabbed his brother’s hand. He was grinning so hard it felt like his face would split in two. The orange glow from his eyes grew brighter with every word and Papyrus started to rush out his words as his excitement grew with it. “Brother, I got him to stop! He was going to hurt me but he didn’t! Sans, I knew it. I knew he could be good. If we just keep trying he’ll -”

“bro, slow down, you’re not making any sense.” Sans put his free hand on his brother’s shoulder. “now, tell me again. what happened? what did he do to you?”

“Nothing.” Papyrus’s smile widened as he spoke. “That’s just it brother, he didn’t do anything to me. He was going to do something to me but he stopped. He didn’t just hesitate, he stopped.” He let out a laugh and clutched Sans’ hand tighter. Sans just stared at him, trying to process what his brother just told him and what it meant for them.

In a moment, everything seemed to change. What Papyrus had believed for so long, what Sans never could, seemed more real than it ever had before. And for the first time in his life, Sans felt hope.

 

************************************************************************************************

 

_Stupid. Weak. All of monsterkind is counting on you, everyone is depending on you, and you’d just let everyone down because an experiment started crying. Pathetic._

Gaster hunched over his desk, hands covering his face. It felt like he was breathing in daggers, every breath bringing with it a burning pain. His chest shuddered and ached as if he’d ran a thousand miles while every other part of him felt sore and numb at the same time.

 _Never get attached. That’s the number one rule. How can you call yourself a scientist when you can’t even do that?_ The words carved themselves into his skull, making the world seem like it was falling away from him piece by piece. Unbearable agony seeped through him and into his already burning chest. _What are you going to do now? You can’t just stop. You’ve gone too far for that. If you aren’t willing to make sacrifices then how will you continue the experiment? Everyone’s relying on you. What will you do? How will you save them? **What are you going to do?**_

“I don’t know.” Daggers sliced open his throat as he talked making his voice no more than a painful croak. “I really don’t know.” His arms curled around his head, as if he were trying to protect himself from the words that called his mind their home, and slumped over until his head rested on the old worn wood of his desk. He couldn’t even prevent something as simple as tears.

_Stupid._

_Weak._

_P_ _athetic._


	2. Daily Routine

A familiar numbness washed over Gaster when he awoke. Despite having slept like the dead every part of the scientist begged to go back to sleep, to go to sleep and never wake up. Slowly, he played back everything that happened the day before. The longer he watched the memories play and replay in his mind, the more he longed for sleep. This was fine. This was just an everyday routine. Feelings like this were hardly unusual. It didn’t matter that he always felt tired no matter how much he slept. It didn’t matter that every night he lay awake, desperate for sleep, haunted by his own mind or that screams became regular background noise. It didn’t matter that each day he continued this cycle consumed him, piece by piece. This was fine.

**_“Everyone can be good if they try! You can be good! I’ll help you!”_ **

The words were still clear as the day before, wrapping themselves around him, pulling tighter and tighter, until he could barely breathe.

_You don’t have time for this. You’ve got work to do._ Gaster pushed the words away, ignoring the venom that was burning inside him.

 Coffee. He needed coffee. Forcing himself to move, Gaster shoved the covers off before climbing out of bed a bit too fast. It felt like a cloud of smoke had taken refuge inside his head, twisting and swirling until it buzzed and ached. Gaster barely stopped himself from collapsing back onto the bed. Bracing himself against the wall, the scientist slowly made his way out of his bedroom.

The journey from his lab in Hotland to his home in Snowdin was blurry. He knew he had taken a ride from the Riverperson and that he had managed to avoid meeting anyone due to the late hour but the details of his trip eluded him. Why he travelled all the way to Snowdin when he had a perfectly usable bed back in his lab he didn’t know.

When was the last time he’d slept at his own house? Or left the lab at all for that matter? It must have been before he created Sans and Pap- WDG-1S and WDG-2P. _This is what you get for giving them pet names._ No, he mustn’t think about that right now. Think about something else, anything else.

The house, did it still look like he remembered? Well, of course it did but the scientist needed to distract himself somehow. Same cracked purple walls, same coffee stained carpet, same untidy bed, same broken projects shoved carelessly to the side. The only difference was that now everything was covered in dust and mould. Or more so that it was before anyway. The landing was still as empty has it had been when he left and the spare room was still full of junk. Downstairs was the same as well. Only a large table covered in papers pushed against the far right wall with a small stool next to it. That’s all he’d ever bother to put in there.

Looking around his house was only a reminder of just how much time he spent in his lab. He felt sick just thinking about it.

When was the last time he’d gone out to have some fun or stayed home to read a book he just couldn’t put down? When was the last time he’d seen any of his friends? When was the last time he’d actually felt happy?

_The entire Underground is counting on you and that’s all you can think about? How you feel? You’re such a pathetic selfish creature. And you’re supposed to SAVE everyone? No wonder everyone’s still stuck down here.’_

Gaster fiddled with the coffee machine, trying to get the old thing to work. After a few minutes the soft whirr of coffee being made filled the room. Gaster sat himself down at the table while he waited for his coffee. Once he’d had woken himself up a bit he would head back to the lab and start today’s experiments.

**_“W-why are you doing this? Did I do something wrong?”_ **

Cold dread seized him as the words echoed through him. He couldn’t do that again. He couldn’t, not while he was looking at him like that. He couldn’t, he just couldn’t.

_You’re pathetic. You can’t even make sacrifices to free everyone, to stop their suffering. Stop being stupid. You have to continue these experiments. By the time we have seven souls everyone you know will be dead. Don’t you want them to be happy?_

He’d have to keep going. He’d gone too far to stop now anyway. He’d just use anaesthesia when he had to do more painful tests. Though, anaesthesia that’s effective on skeletons is hard to come by. He could always cut down the amount of damaging experiments. Endurance and intelligence test would be more effective at this point anyway. Besides, the constant screaming and thrashing could cause him to make a mistake that could cost him a test subject.

These were all logical reasons to cut back on tests that would cause Sans and Papyr- WDG-1S and WDG-2P unnecessary pain. It’d just be more efficient that way.

_You’re only fooling yourself, Wingding._

The coffee machine let out a cheery ping, stopping Gaster’s thoughts right in their tracks.


	3. Hope, fear and a prayer

“Tra la la. Have you ever seen the look on a Hotland child’s face when they first see snow? Tra la la.”

Gaster ran through the list of experiments he’d planned, mentally crossing off the ones he’d have to put on hold. Even though he’d grown used to tuning out the Riverperson’s songs a long time ago there was always something oddly comforting in their nonsense.

Perhaps it was just nostalgia. After all, the Riverperson had been a constant part of his life since he was a child. Either way, riding with the Riverperson was one of the few things that could still make him smile. For the few minutes it took to get to Hotland his life felt peaceful. The minutes passed by quickly, however, and before he knew it they were already there.

“Tra la la. It seems we’ve arrived” The Riverperson continued to sing as Gaster stepped onto the shore. “Come again some time. Tra la la.” Gaster nodded to them, smiling slightly, before heading in the direction of the lab. It was convenient for the lab to be right next to where the Riverperson often was, which was exactly why he built it there. It was the perfect excuse to travel from one side of the Underground to the other, giving him as much time as possible to enjoy the journey, all with minimal walking distance.

The lights switched on automatically as Gaster entered and put on his lab coat. The ground floor was filled with various projects and experiments, many of which hadn’t been touched in months.

Gaster spent the next half hour searching for a special knockout gas that he’d made a couple of years back. All his teeth had needed fillings after he’d locked himself inside his lab for five months, eating nothing but popato chisps and instant noodles. It was a horrible experience, that, from the state of his house, he knew he was in the process of repeating.

 _That doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you open the barrier, that everyone goes free._ He eventually managed to find a few small canisters of the stuff. Unfortunately, he only had enough for three uses.

“It’ll have to do.” The scientist murmured to himself. It’d be enough to at least finish what he started the day before. He collected what he needed and got into the elevator that went to his “true” lab.

The elevator ride down was always a tense one. Half of him wanted to stay in that elevator forever, and never have to continue his terrible work, while the other half wished he could just get it over with already. Even if he were to ever make up his mind, it wouldn’t change how long it took to get there.

When the elevator stopped, Gaster stepped out and made his way to the cell where WDG-1S and WDG-2P were kept.

 

************************************************************************************************

Hope. That was what he had felt that night. Hope is the sole reason many monsters keep going yet Sans had survived his entire life without it. He kept holding on, even though he believed he would only continue to suffer, simply because it would make Papyrus happy. But something had changed.

A small flicker of hope found its way into him that night. A hope that his brother was right, that even the worst person could change. That small impossible hope, so small any other person may not have noticed, filled the skeleton child with strange warmth. It was such bizarre feeling. It wasn’t actually warm at all, yet he still felt heat pulsing inside him. The only thing he understood was that when he went to sleep that night he didn’t dread waking up as much as he had the night before.

When Sans awoke the lab was still dark. The scientist hadn’t come back yet. Papyrus was sitting against the wall, too engrossed with his rubix cube to notice that Sans had woken up. The soft warmth from the night before continued to burn inside him. However, now that he’d had time to take in all that had happened yesterday he was also filled with other, more familiar, emotions. Uncertainty, doubt, fear. What if people really couldn’t change? What if the scientist was angry about what happened yesterday? What if he took it out on Papyrus? But even still, the warmth inside him didn’t leave. Sans shook his head. He couldn’t dwell on things like that. No matter how much he worried, it wouldn’t change anything.

“morning, bro.” Sans yawned and stretched out, causing his joints to crack. “having fun over there?”

“It’s about time you woke up.” Papyrus placed the cube on his lab and gave his brother his best stern glare. “You should have been awake hours ago.”

“bro, come on.” Sans pulled his legs up to his chest and leaned against the wall. “this is probably the earliest i’ve ever woken up. i mean, the lights are still off and everything.” Papyrus frowned at that. His gaze turned to the hallway behind the lasers.

“bro?”

“He should have turned the lights on by now.” Papyrus seemed to almost sink into the floor as he spoke. “Why hasn’t he come back yet, brother? D-do you think he’s mad at me?”

The fears he’d pushed aside a few minutes ago returned, whispering every horrible possibility his mind could invent. Papyrus was right; the scientist was always here by the time he woke up. Dread welled up inside his chest, climbing up his throat as if it were trying to choke him. Why wasn’t he here? Every answer he came up with was worse than the last. The flicker of hope that’d stayed with him through the night began to waver as images of a thousand fates worse than death flashed before his eyes.

But how could he ever tell Papyrus that?

“nah, bro.” Sans slid off the bed (if it can even be called that) and sat down next to his brother. “why would he be mad? you didn’t do anything wrong.” Hoping the soft warmth he felt would reach his brother, Sans let the feeling pour into a bright blue glow forming in his eye.

“But that’s never stopped him before.” Papyrus’ legs pulled up to his chest and he wrapped his arms around himself, voice trembling as he talked. “What if he’s planning to do something terrible? What if he isn’t coming back? W-what if-”

“bro.” Sans clutched his brother’s hand just like Papyrus had done the night before. “bro, listen. remember last night? he _stopped_. _you_ got him to stop. you’ve always said anyone can be good, right? maybe things will be different now.” Even though he only meant to cheer his brother up, Sans felt the warmth inside him grow as he spoke.

“Do you really think so?” Orange light joined the blue as Papyrus raised his head to look at his brother.

“yeah, i really do.” Sans’ face held a rare genuine, if uncertain, smile which Papyrus returned.

The two sat like that for many minutes, Papyrus trying to create a new way to solve a rubix cube while Sans drifted in and out of sleep. The lights turned on without any warning filling the room with a blinding white. Papyrus jumped at the sudden brightness, knocking against his brother. Sans yelped as he jolted out of his sleep, barely catching himself before he toppled over.

“Sorry!” Papyrus did his best to help steady his brother. “Are you alright?”

“yeah, i’m okay.” Shifting to lean on the wall, Sans glanced past the lasers into the empty hallway. “i guess he’s here then.”

“Brother.” Papyrus placed the cube on the ground next to him and crossed his arms around himself. “What’s going to happen now?”

“i don’t know.” Sans placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder, pushing the fearful voices to the back of his mind. “but, hey, nowhere to go but up, right.” Distant footsteps resonated from the empty hallway and the brothers let themselves fall silent. The room somehow seemed colder as the two waited for the scientist to take one of them away.

Things twisted and tightened inside Sans’ chest as he held his brother’s hand. The scientist stepped in front of the lasers. He appeared just as he had the day before; a looming figure with a cold, expressionless face. It was as if the night before had never happened at all. The code was entered and the lasers shut off.

“Subject 2, follow me.” The scientist’s calm voice was so unlike Sans or Papyrus’. It was distant, as if there were no feelings behind the words, no feelings inside him. Sans gave Papyrus’ hand a squeeze, who gave him one in return, before his brother left with the scientist. The lasers were reactivated and Sans watched as his brother was taken away from him.

The dread that he had kept at bay since he’d awoke surrounded him and all that he feared was played over and over in his mind. His brother was alone with the scientist. He’d just finish what he started, he’d just make Papyrus suffer, he’d take their hope away from them. Sans pulled the warm feeling into his chest, holding on to it desperately as his fear consumed him. It would be his life boat while he drifted helplessly on a sea of despair.

“Let things be different this time.” A whisper left his mouth, a prayer to some god or angel that might have been listening. “Please, let it be different.”


	4. The worth of a name

Papyrus followed the scientist down the quiet hallway. The small skeleton felt his chest tighten as he realised he recognised the path they were taking, it was the same way they’d gone the night before. Panic pushed out against his ribcage as they approached a familiar door at the end of the corridor.

 _Nothing’s changed. I didn’t get through to him.’_ The door was opened and Papyrus was lead inside. In the centre of the room was a metal table with leather straps and a stand covered in the scientist’s tools. Blades, saws, syringes and all manner of horrific equipment were all laid neatly in their places, ready for use. Papyrus felt an awful cold inside of him as he wondered how many of them would be used on him.

“Get on the examination table.”

His body felt like it had been frozen in place; no matter how much he willed himself to move all he could do was tremble. The small skeleton’s throat began to burn and pulse as tried to force his body to work. Each breath came faster than the last and felt like needles were being pushed through his neck. His body shook and any moment now he was sure he’d collapse. It’d be worse if he didn’t do as was told. The scientist would punish him. He’d lock him up alone in that room with the ticking that never stopped and made him want to crack open his skull. The room where the lights were always on so he never knew if it was night or day. The room where he saw and heard things that weren’t real. The room where he never slept. The room where... the room where... He couldn’t go in there again. He couldn’t, he couldn’t! Papyrus’ vision became blurry and tears burned down his face as he desperately tried to make his body obey.

“Subject 2.”

The small monster’s breath caught in his throat and he looked up at the voice’s owner. The scientist’s expression was unreadable. His eyes bore into Papyrus as if he were assessing him. Fear tightened its hold around the small skeleton’s neck until he couldn’t even breathe.

“Subject... Papyrus. I want you to take a deep breath. Can you do that for me?”

 _Papyrus_. The scientist said that word so rarely the small monster had almost forgotten it existed. That word always seemed to make the scientist’s voice softer somehow, even if it was still distant and cold. Papyrus took a shaky breath and he felt himself relax a little. For a few moments, he just stood there regaining control over his breathing.

“Good. Now we can proceed with the experiment.” Papyrus hesitated but climbed onto the examination table and laid himself down. Panic continued to swim at the edges of his mind and he was still trembling as he was strapped down. The scientist paused for a moment, seeming to notice his fear, and frowned ever so slightly. He leaned down to pick up a small canister and held it out for Papyrus to see.

“This is a special kind of gas. It will make you fall asleep so you won’t be aware while I perform the experiment.” Papyrus nodded, not quite understanding what he was saying. “You won’t be able to feel anything.” The scientist continued, apparently picking up on the small skeleton’s confusion.

“S-so, it won’t hurt?”

“No.”

Papyrus felt a bubble of excitement grow inside him. ‘He doesn’t want to hurt me! I’m getting through to him, I’m really getting through to him!’ His body relaxed and he waited for the scientist to finish strapping him down. He couldn’t help grinning when he realised the straps were noticeably looser than usual and he could even move around a little. The scientist put a plastic mask up to Papyrus’ mouth, tying it on, before attaching it to the canister with a tube. The small skeleton couldn’t quite see what he did next but noticed that he suddenly felt a bit tired.

Papyrus felt rather groggy when the scientist took the mask off him. It took him a few moments to realise that his left eye was covered by some sort of bandage. A dull ache came from the wound but he was in nowhere near as much pain as usual.

“Are we done?” Papyrus’ words were slurred by tiredness. “I don’t remember you doing anything.”

“That’s because you were asleep.” The scientist unstrapped the small skeleton and let him climb down from the operation table. Papyrus stumbled as he dropped down to the floor. He caught himself on the side of the table and did his best to get his bearings.

“We’re leaving now.” The scientist paused for a moment before continuing. “I suggest you get some rest when you return to your cell. The gas may not fully leave your system for another twelve hours.”

The small skeleton nodded and followed the scientist out of the room. All he wanted was to curl up and fall asleep. He wonder if this was how Sans felt all the time. _Sans._ Yes, that was his brother’s name, wasn’t it? _Sans and Papyrus._

He’d nearly forgotten those words. The words that made the scientist softer and kinder. _Sans, Papyrus._ He repeated those words over and over in his head, promising to himself that he’d never forget them again. _He called me Papyrus. He never calls me that. And he gave me that stuff so I wouldn’t get hurt. He wasn’t mad when I didn’t do as I was told either. He can be good! I knew he could! I knew he could be good!_

“I knew you could be good.”

The scientist stiffened as the words slipped out of Papyrus’ mouth. He didn’t say anything; he just kept walking until they reached the cell. Sans was leaning against the wall with his legs pulled up to his chest staring out into the hallway, waiting for his brother to come back. Papyrus entered the cell, swaying slightly as he walked, and the lasers reactivated behind him.

 He sat himself down on the metal bench he called his bed, part of him considering just going to sleep without talking to his brother. The horror that flashed onto Sans’ face when he saw his brother’s bandaged eye was enough to shut that part of him up. The horror disappeared into anger then fell into bitter disappointment. Each barely lasted a second before being stifled under a neutral smile. If Papyrus had not known Sans his entire life he might not have noticed his brother’s distress.

“hey bro.” The smaller skeleton’s voice betrayed none of his feelings, staying safely in a casual but concerned tone. “you okay?”

“He called me Papyrus.” The word felt like it was dusty and covered in cobwebs, so unfamiliar and strange inside his mouth. “He never calls me that. I’m really getting through to him, brother.” Papyrus gave his brother a wide smile, ignoring the bleary tiredness that flickered at the edge of his vision. “‘Sans... That’s your name, right?”

“y-yeah. i think that was it.” His brother’s uncertainty was understandable; it’d been so long since they’d heard anyone say it. “how’d you get him to call you that?”

“I got really scared ‘cause he took me to the room from last night and I couldn’t move, then he called me Papyrus and helped me calm down.” The dumbfounded look on Sans face was enough to make his brother chuckle, but then he fell silent.

“Hey, Sans?”

“yeah bro?”

“Do you think we can call start calling each other by our names? Our real ones?” Papyrus shifted awkwardly. “It’s just, they seem like special things and I don’t want to forget them again.”

“sure thing, br-papyrus.” Sans’ gaze wondered back to his brother’s bandaged eye. “uh, hey, how’s your eye? do you want me to try healing it?”

“No, it’s fine. It doesn’t hurt that much.”

Seeing his brother’s scepticism, Papyrus continued. “He gave me this weird gas that made me fall asleep, I didn’t feel him do it.”

Sans’ eyes seemed to have a spark of light inside them, the same spark that had appeared the night before. It was a strange light, it wasn’t like when their eyes glowed, there wasn’t any real light coming from them. Papyrus didn’t really understand it but he didn’t mind, his brother seemed so happy whenever that spark was there. His head had started aching and he let out a yawn.

“I’m going to sleep now.” Papyrus lay down on his bed and pulled a thin blanket over himself. “Goodnight Sans.”

“already?” Sans made no attempt to hide the shock in his voice. “but the lights are still on.”

“Too tired to wait.” The taller skeleton pushed his head into his pillow, muffling his voice. “I think it’s the gas’ fault.” He heard his brother chuckle and walk over to the bed. Sans stroked his skull causing Papyrus to sigh happily.

“night papyrus.”

“Goodnight Sans.”

_Papyrus. Sans. Those are our names. He called me Papyrus. He doesn’t want to hurt us. He can be good. Things are going to be better now. Everything’s going to change._


	5. Where children belong

**_“I knew you could be good.”_ **

Despite how quiet and slurred the words had been they still cut into Gaster like a dust-stained knife. It didn’t seem to matter what he did, how far past the point of no return he went, 2P would open his arms to him. Convinced that if he just tried hard enough he could get Gaster to change, that all his LOVE could just be erased.

 _You’ve gone too far. Your LOVE will never leave you._ Every experiment brought with it EXP and each EXP brought him closer to a higher LOVE. Soon, his LOVE was high enough that he could distance himself from his subject’s suffering. Cries, screams and pleas for mercy no longer had any effect on him, or at least not until after the deed was done. But 2P’s constant assurance that he could still change, that he wouldn’t hold anything he’d done to them against him, wasn’t something he could distance himself from.

Searing pain pierced through his soul as 2P’s voice played over in his head, as sweet and innocent as a chil-. _No, he’s not. Don’t call him that. Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’tsayit. **Please don’t say it.**_ But he was, wasn’t he. Papyrus was just a child, they were both still children.

 He was experimenting on children. If it wasn’t for their accelerated growth they’d barely be big enough to walk.

 They’d never even had a chance to be children. ‘At _least you had a childhood to be snatched away. You’ve denied them even that.’_ Children don’t belong in places like this. They should be playing in fields covered with grass, sun shining down on them, laughing and singing without a care in the world.

_But that’s why you have to keep going, so everyone can see the sun again. Most monsters have lived their whole lives without ever seeing the surface. They’re all suffering down here. You can’t just let everyone down._

As long as the barrier remained he would continue his research. He couldn’t stop until everyone was free. Once the barrier was destroyed he’d let them both go. He’d find someone who could look after them and they would get a chance to be children, they could be happy. But that was impossible right now.

The sooner he completed his goal the better it’d be for everyone. Until then he could cut down on more painful experiments and focus more on testing 1S and 2P’s endurance and problem solving skills. Speaking of which, he should start preparing for tomorrow’s research. He placed the remaining gas canisters next to his desk. Papyrus might still be under the effects of the gas when he woke up, perhaps it would be best to only test Sans tomorrow.

 

************************************************************************************************

 

Sans sat on the floor, waiting for his brother to wake up. Waking up before Papyrus wasn’t something he was used to. It was like being lonely except without fear and worry clouding his vision until his eye glowed a bright white. He wondered how Papyrus managed waking up early every day, just sitting all alone with pretty much nothing to do.

The gas must have hit him pretty hard to keep him asleep for so long. He didn’t mind too much though, after all, that was two days in a row Papyrus had come back happy. Maybe things really would be different from now on. Maybe the scientist really could change. That said, it takes three to make a pattern. He’d just have to wait and see what would happen today.

The faint sound of the scientist coming to collect one of them echoed through the corridors. Worry ached at the back of his mind but Sans did his best to keep calm. Things had been fine so far, right?

Papyrus continued to sleep peacefully and Sans wondered whether or not to wake him. The scientist had taken his brother twice in a row, maybe it’d be his turn now. If the scientist wanted Papyrus he could always wake him up then.

“Subject 1.” The lasers shut off to let Sans through before turning back on. The scientist led him through the lab, only the sound of their feet hitting the floor filling the silence. “Has 2P woken up at all today?”

“uh, n-no,” Sans stuttered as he talked, not expecting for the silence to be broken. “he’s been asleep since he came back.”

The scientist nodded, seeming to be satisfied with that. Papyrus must have been sleeping for a long time now, Sans hoped he’d wake up soon.

Maybe his brother would get up while he was gone. Horror ran down his spine when the thought entered his mind. What if Papyrus woke up when he wasn’t there? He hated being alone. He should have woken him up before he left. What if he started panicking? Stupid, stupid, _stupid_. Well, there wasn’t anything he could do about it now. It’s best not to worry about things you can’t change.

 Maybe he wouldn’t wake up until he got back. The silence stretched out, wrapping the two monsters in an air of awkwardness. Maybe he should say something. That’s how Papyrus got through to him, right, by talking?

“um,” What could he say? Would he be allowed to say anything at all? Would he get mad if he did?

“Subject 1, do you...” The scientist paused, as if he was reconsidering saying anything at all. “have something you want to say?”

“uh, y-yeah, i do.” Sans tripped over his words, trying to find the right thing to say. “i just wanted to say, uh, thanks.” The scientist stopped in his tracks.

“What for?” He seemed almost... shocked? Sans had never seen the scientist express any emotion more complex than mild frustration, even then only rarely.

“um, you know, for the gas you gave my bro, so he wouldn’t feel anything.” The smaller skeleton rubbed the back of his skull. “it really means a lot to him, more than you know. so, uh, thanks.” The scientist froze and, for a moment, Sans was afraid he’d made him angry but he merely gave a stiff nod and continued to pace down the hall as if nothing had happened.

Sans stood there, uncertainty dancing through his mind, only remembering to follow when he was pulled by his soul. They continued to walk in silence until they eventually reached a door. Dread crawled inside his chest as the door was opened and Sans realised what he’d been brought there for.

“an endurance test. wonderful.”


	6. Exercise, nutrients and company

Sans spent what felt like hours climbing, running and doing other similar unpleasant activities until it felt like his bones were going to break apart. He stumbled up to the end of the course, barely preventing himself from collapsing before he crossed the finish line. His chest burned and tightened making each breath painful, like he was drinking white hot metal. His legs gave in the second the scientist pressed a switch on his stop watch, indicating the test was over.

Sans lay face first on the ground, gasping for breath. If the scientist made him do any more he was sure he’d shatter into a thousand pieces. After everything that happened, he’d thought the scientist could be good but that hope had been crushed as he was pushed beyond his limits, subjected to hours of excruciating pain. Surely, no one who’d inflict something as horrible as this on someone could ever be good.

“Oh please, Subject 1.” The scientist’s tone was edged with frustration. “We only got here ten minutes ago. Stop being so melodramatic.”

Okay so, maybe he was exaggerating a bit, but he was honestly exhausted. He’d never understand why Papyrus enjoyed this kind of test so much. Still, he preferred this over most other things the scientist could be making him do right now. He could be strapped to a table or Papyrus could be instead or... No, it was best not to think about it. It wasn’t happening now so it didn’t matter. Endurance tests suddenly seemed much less painful.

Sans staggered to his feet, leaning on the wall for support. A pit opened up in his stomach as he looked back at the course he’d just finished. It seemed so much longer when he was on it. A loop track with a couple of small hurdles dotted around, that was all. Had they really just started? How was he supposed to keep this up for hours if he couldn’t even handle ten minutes? The scientist was writing something down on a clipboard, giving Sans a few moments to rest before they moved onto the next challenge. The intense burning in the small skeleton’s throat lessened as he did his best to control his breathing, though not by much.

Motioning for Sans to follow, the scientist made his way towards a climbing wall three times his height. Ignoring the ache of pain that ran through his body, the small skeleton pulled himself up the wall. His body shook with the effort it took to get him up the first few footholds. He’d just have to keep going. The sooner he finished the sooner he could go back to his cell.

Maybe he’d be able to get back before Papyrus woke up. Pain seared through his arms as he pulled himself higher. While he was focusing all his energy into not letting go, he misjudged the distance to the next foothold. Sans pushed his leg down on where he thought it would be and felt his body give way beneath him. He was only able to hold on for a second before the weight made his arms give out. The lab walls rushed passed him in a blur until his body crashed against the floor.

Or at least, that’s what he thought would happen. He jerked to a stop mid-air, dangling by his soul. Sans wheezed as he was lowered to the ground, collapsing the moment his feet reached the floor. He trembled violently as he tried to regain some form of control over his body. He heard the scientist let out a loud sigh. He was obviously frustrated but the release of air sounded a bit too shaky to be that alone, though Sans was nowhere near collected enough to put any effort into figuring out why.

“Perhaps it would be best if we ended the test for today.” The small skeleton nodded, pushing himself up into a sitting position. He saw the scientist reach into his pocket for something before letting out a curse. “I left something at my desk. Wait here and don’t touch anything.” The scientist left, locking the door behind him. He was alone.

The small skeleton let himself flop over onto the ground and lay like that for several minutes, just getting his breathing back to normal. Hopefully Papyrus would still be asleep by the time he got back. It’d only been ten minutes, right? If the scientist came back soon, maybe he wouldn’t have to worry about Papyrus being alone. If his brother woke up he’d... No, he should think about something else. Not what would have happened if the scientist hadn’t caught him either.

He closed his eyes, focusing on the blackness. He focused on how he was here now, how nothing bad was happening. Sure, he was exhausted but he wasn’t in any pain. That said, he really was exhausted. Maybe he’d just let himself doze until the scientist came back.

 

************************************************************************************************

 

Sans started at the sound of the door opening. How long had he been asleep? He climbed to his feet as the scientist entered the room. The skeleton child was handed a small box with two white pills inside, one for him, one for Papyrus.

“Make sure Subject 2 takes his when he wakes up.” Sans nodded and the scientist motioned for him to follow. “I don’t want a repeat of last time.” The small skeleton cringed at the memory.

He’d lost one of the pills last time. He’d already had his so Papyrus didn’t get any. They hadn’t thought it was a big deal; it couldn’t be too bad to miss it once, so they didn’t tell the scientist. After a while, Papyrus said his insides felt sore, like they were aching for something. By the time the lights were out he was doubled over in pain. He was crying all night and couldn’t get to sleep. Sans had stayed up with him, trying to make his brother feel better, but there wasn’t anything he could do.

He felt so helpless, all he could do was sit there and hope Papyrus would stop hurting. But then, what else was new? The scientist gave him a pill in the morning and the pain stopped soon after. Apparently Papyrus had been in so much pain because he was hungry. Neither of them knew what hungry was or why the pill made it stop but it didn’t really matter, so long as Papyrus wasn’t hurting anymore.

Sans followed the scientist out of the room and into the hallway. He considered trying to talk to him again but couldn’t think of anything to say. Eventually, he decided to just let the silence go unbroken. They walked like that for several minutes, only the sound of their footsteps filling the quiet. As they got closer to the cell another sound echoed through the corridors. They rounded a corner and saw the bright yellow and white glow coming from inside the cell. Sans breath caught in his throat as he realised what that sound was. His brother was sobbing, calling his name in a voice so hoarse and small you could barely tell it was his.

“sa... saans...”

“bro?” His chest tightened as his brother cried out to him. He was so afraid, he’d been alone this whole time and he didn’t know where he’d gone and - “papyrus, i’m here! it’s okay! i’m coming!" He didn’t bother waiting for the scientist, he ran past him towards the cell. He needed to get to Papyrus. Sans stopped in front of the cell, gasping for breath.

“sans?” His brother’s eyes flashed back and forth between yellow and white. His face was soaked with tears and he shook violently on the ground among the shreds of his bandages. His gown had giant gashes in it and... Oh God, why was he covered in burns? Each one was in a straight line across his body. On his arms they were so bad they cut into the bone. To get burns like that he’d have to... God, why didn’t he just wake him up?

“P-Papyrus,” Sans voice cracked as tears began tumbling down his face. “It’s okay. I’m h-here. I-it’s gonna be okay.”


	7. Consequences

For a moment, all Gaster could do was stare in horror. A cold, sickly feeling travelled up his spine and into his throat. He barely registered inputting the cell’s passcode, deactivating the lasers and allowing the two children to reach each other.

Sans was at his brother’s side within seconds, desperately trying to comfort him. Papyrus pulled the smaller skeleton into a death grip, as if he was scared that any moment his brother would turn to dust.

“sa... sans, i was so scared. i-i...” He couldn’t even muster the strength to finish what he was saying before he broke into sobs.

“Shhh, it’s okay.” Sans rubbed his brother’s back, trying to soothe him any way he could. “I’m here now. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. Everything’s going to be fine.” Their tones were so unfamiliar, almost like different people. Sans voice was always so casual, though there was always a bitter edge whenever he spoke to Gaster. He could hardly blame him for that. But now, there was a seriousness that he’d never heard before.

Papyrus’ voice was so small and tired, so lacking in the enthusiasm it usually had. He’d heard him sound like this before, once. It was a long time ago now. Papyrus had been barely an inch taller than his brother back then. The memory twisted inside him, making him feel sick.

He’d found a human movie in the dump when he was younger, the disk had been scuffed up pretty bad and most of it was unwatchable. But one scene had always stuck with him. As far as he could gather, one of the characters was inside a prison and had disobeyed the guards. Instead of giving him some sort of physical punishment the guards simply put him in a plain windowless room with nothing but a white bed.

The room’s lights were kept on all the time, leaving the prisoner disorientated, and he remained in isolation the entire time he was there. From the little else he was able to watch of the movie, it seemed to be effective in making the prisoner obey orders. The movie called this punishment “solitary confinement”, and from what he could tell it would be an incredibly efficient method to use on his own experiments when they got rowdy. Everything that made it effective on humans would also be effective on monsters; after all, humans were just as much social creatures as monsters were. And seeing how isolation affects a monster soul might aid the end goal of his research, it could even be the thread that ties it all together in the end. So he set up a room just like it in the lab, adding a small personal touch; the constant ticking of a clock.

 _You should have done more research. If you had just looked for more information, instead of blindly copying a human film you only half watched, you could have avoided this. You’re such an idiot._ It was only the second time he had brought Papyrus to the operation room but he’d already begun to associate it with pain. He refused to go inside and eventually Gaster had to forcefully move him. It was only an examination, nothing painful, but of course Papyrus didn’t know that.

 _Because you didn’t bother to tell him. You didn’t even try to calm him down. You just took it as an opportunity to test out a new kind of **torture** on a child. You really are sick._ Guilt crawled through his insides, oozing down his throat and into his chest. After he’d finished the examination he took the child to “solitary confinement”. He told Papyrus he’d have to stay in the room until he learned to do as he was told and locked him inside. He left him in there for three days without so much as checking on him.

The only reason he’d gone in there on the fourth day was to give him a nutrients pill so he wouldn’t starve while he was in there. He’d been expecting hostility, fear, anything but what he was met with. The second he entered the room, Papyrus had latched onto the older skeleton, clinging to him as if it was the first time he’d seen anyone in years. He was startled at first, he had no idea how to react to something like this. Gaster removed the child from himself before handing him a pill. It was best not to say anything to him; it would go against the whole point of the punishment. He turned to leave but...

**_“don’t go. please don’t go. i’ll be good. i promise. please let me out.”_ **

The child’s voice was so small and tired. It was so unlike how he usually talked that Gaster paused on his way out, glancing back at the young skeleton. That was when he saw them. Papyrus’ skull was covered in tiny cracks and scratches that looked like they were... self-inflicted. Closer inspection revealed several similar scratches all over the child’s trembling body. Had he really done all this to himself?

He was only in there for three days, surely it wouldn’t have such a profound effect on him. But there was no other way he’d gotten them, one might have been an accident but for him to have so many... It wasn’t until long after that he learned more about “solitary confinement”. He’d discovered an article in a human newspaper about a psychology experiment done by a man named Donald O. Hebb. What he found out was... unsettling, to say the least. What kind of scientist misses something so obvious?

 _You should have realised what it would do to him. You should have looked into it more. You should have at least prevented him from hurting himself. And now he’s hurt himself again, worse than last time, because you didn’t prepare for the consequences. You can’t even heal him like last time. Your LOVE won’t allow that. How are you supposed to SAVE everyone when all you do is hurt people?_ He’d planned to leave Papyrus in there for a week or two but he hadn’t accounted for something like that.

**_“i’ll do what you want. just let me see my brother. please let me see him.”_ **

Tears ran from the child’s eyes. God, his eyes. They were almost completely black except for tiny flickers of white and yellow so weak he barely noticed them. The buzz of energy inside the room told him just how bright those flickers had been just days before. For them to get so small after three days... Had they been glowing that whole time? He looked so tired. Had he even slept? He ended up allowing Papyrus to return to his cell that day.

It must have been nearly a year ago now. Neither of the brothers had outright disobeyed Gaster since then. Even if they hesitated, they’d always do as they were told with minimal prodding. It was so easy to make them do whatever he wanted, just thinking about it made him sick. And now, because of that, he’s hurt himself again. He knew it still affected them, he knew how long things like that can stay with someone, but Papyrus had never had an episode like that since it happened. What had triggered it? He’d been left alone for hours before without any issues. Why was this different?

The cell was filled with a green light as Sans did his best to heal his brother’s wounds. Gaster watched helplessly, bitterly aware of how useless he was in matters like this, his healing was much weaker than Sans’ at this point and he could hardly comfort the child.

 _This is all your fault. They never needed to suffer this much. You could have avoided this if you weren’t so stupid._ When Sans had done all he could to heal his brother most of the cracks had sealed up, including the ones from the operation the night before. Papyrus still looked horrible though, and he probably felt it too. While his burns were far less serious they were still second degree burns. The burns on his arms had hardly healed at all, the bone only beginning to seal up. There wasn’t anything he could do about it though, not until he got some supplies at least.

It had taken him a while to notice but the room wasn’t in that good shape either. The walls were covered in scratch marks and even a few dents. All the bedding was torn or singed and thrown about the cell, some of it had even managed to get outside. The best thing he could do right now was get the two children new bedding and clothes. It was probably a good idea to move them to a new room entirely, with a proper door instead of lasers, but he wouldn’t be able to move them for a few days at least. He reactivated the lasers somewhat reluctantly before addressing the two children.

“I’m going to get some fresh clothes and bedding.” He said as calmly as he could manage. “I’ll be back shortly.” He wasn’t sure if either of them had heard him, he left before he could find out. He just needed to be alone for a while.


	8. Better off without me

_I’m okay. Sans is okay. We’re both okay. Nothing bad’s going to happen._ So why couldn’t he stop shaking? Why was he still so afraid? Papyrus clung to his brother, sobbing as Sans held him.  The yellow-white light that covered the room faded into orange and blue as his brother comforted him. He could breathe properly again, no longer gasping for air that never seemed to come. Pain filled every part of his body but it wasn’t as bad as before.

He’d been so scared; it was like he lost control of himself. He couldn’t move, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe. Panic had engulfed him and all he wanted was to be with Sans. He was too afraid to do anything; he just sat on his bed waiting for his brother to come back. He waited and he waited...

But nobody came.

He’d thought he’d been there forever, that days had passed and the scientist didn’t turn the lights off _(Just like that room, that awful room)_. He thought Sans would never come back. Then he began crying, he screamed as loud as he could, calling for help. He knew nobody could hear him but he screamed anyway. He wanted to get out, he wanted to find Sans. He threw himself against the walls, vainly trying to escape.

Papyrus’ body began chipping and cracking as he kept attacking the walls with all his might. He didn’t even think about it, he just let panic control him. Then he turned to the lasers.

At first, he’d at least had the peace of mind to shield his face with his arms but he just couldn’t stop. He kept pushing against the lasers, cutting deeper and deeper into his bones. The pain was indescribable, a horrific wildfire that shot up his arms and through his body, but he didn’t stop. He just kept pushing and pushing until it felt like his arms were going to snap. Then he began throwing his whole body against the lasers. His clothes were shredded to pieces and his bandages lay tattered on the ground.

The dull pain seared up at the memory. He threw himself into them again and again until he couldn’t even stand. He curled into a ball, trying to find some comfort in the darkness. The room seemed to close in around him, suffocating him. Papyrus never stopped screaming and crying, even when his voice grew so hoarse he could barely make a sound. It hurt to breathe, to cry, to move. It hurt so much he thought he was going to turn to dust. He’d dug his fingers into the cracks in his skull, making his head crack and split more than it already had. The pain was unbearable but it was better than fear. You can heal cracks and scratches but you can’t do anything against fear.

**_“papyrus, i’m here! it’s okay! i’m coming!"_ **

_Sans is here now. Everything’s going to be okay. I don’t have to be scared anymore. We’re both fine._ Well, as close to fine as they could be right now.

Eventually, he felt safe enough to let go of his brother. He moved a bit too fast, causing a searing pain to shoot up his spine. He cringed at the sudden pain, letting out a hiss.

“sorry.” Sans glanced at the floor. “i’m not as good at healing as you.”

“Don’t be sorry, it’s my own fault.” Papyrus shifted, being careful not to aggravate his wounds. “I should have just waited for you to come back. I’m sorry I’m such a burden.” _I’m so dumb. Everything would have been fine if I didn’t freak out like that._ He wiped his face clean of the drying tears, avoiding the few remaining cracks that littered his skull.

“don’t say that.” A hand reached out and touched his shoulder, so softly and gently as if he was afraid his brother would turn to dust if he wasn’t careful. “you’re not a burden. don’t ever think that.”

“But it is true! You’re always taking care of me. all I ever do is make things harder for you.” _I’m completely useless. I never do anything right._ His voice became quiet, wavering as he spoke. “you’d be better off without me.”

“Papyrus.” The taller skeleton startled at his brother’s sudden commanding tone. “Don’t ever think like that. If you weren’t here I wouldn’t have bothered to keep going this long. You’re the only good thing in this place. So don’t ever think I’d be better off without you.”

Papyrus stared at his brother as silence fell between them. Sans was trembling in... anger? Fear? Grief? Some mix of the three? Papyrus had always been quite good at reading his brother, even with his ever present smile, but sometimes even he had a hard time telling what Sans was thinking. But he meant what he said, that much he knew. He wouldn’t talk like that unless he really meant it.

“Don’t be silly, Sans. I can’t be the only good thing in this place.” Papyrus gave his brother a big grin. “You’re here too.”

Sans seemed surprised for a moment before letting out a small chuckle. The two children sat like that for a while, just enjoying being together again.

Papyrus grimaced as he glanced around the cell. He was pretty sure those dents and scratches weren’t there before. And he knew their blankets weren’t supposed to be torn to pieces and flung around the room.

_Did I do all that?_

The cell looked pretty awful, not that it had ever looked particularly nice but it had at least been tidy. His green gown was ruined too. He hoped he wouldn’t have to spend the night in ripped up clothes. Hopefully the scientist would let him change into something else. _Maybe I can ask him for some when he gets back. Wait..._

“Sans?”

“yeah, bro?”

“How did you get in here without the passcode? Did you find out what it is?”

“nah, he let me in when we got back.”

“Really, I didn’t see him.”

“huh, but he’s right th-” Sans turned and pointed to the empty hallway. “oh. i guess he left.” He went quiet for a moment before remembering something. “i think he said he was going to get some fresh sheets or something.”

“That’s good. I don’t think I could stand sleeping in here with the place in such a mess.”

“aw, come on. it’s not that bad.”

“Yes, it is. It looks terrible and it smells like burnt bed sheets.”

“that’s because it’s filled with burnt bed sheets.”

“Exactly! That’s the problem!”

“sure, bro. if you say so.” Sans let out a chuckle and leaned back against the wall. Even if it was still painful to move too fast, Papyrus couldn’t help laughing a little too. _Everything’s fine. I don’t have to be scared now. Sans is here. I’m here. We’re together. That’s all that matter’s right now._


	9. Kindness and mercy

Did Papyrus really think of himself like that? Did he really think his brother would be happier without him? Thoughts swam through Sans’ mind like schools of fish in a sea of worries. It seemed like his pep talk had cheered Papyrus up but the idea that he’d thought that at all weighed on his brother’s mind. Why would he think something like that? Papyrus was everything he had. He was the only reason he could ever be happy to begin with. If he wasn’t there, he would have given up a long time ago.

The distant sound of footsteps was the only sound in the room. They seemed slower than usual, almost hesitant. Since the scientist was taking his sweet time they’d have a few minutes before he got there.

“You don’t think he’ll...” Papyrus paused for a moment, looking into the empty corridor. “He’s not going to take you away again, right?”

“i don’t think so.” Placing a hand on his brother’s he continued. “he said we were done for the day so we should be fine.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” He began lowering his voice as he talked, making sure the scientist couldn’t hear them. “And even if he does want to take you, I’m sure we can just talk him out of it.” It wouldn’t be that easy, words hadn’t stopped him before so why would they now.

**_"He stopped! Brother, I got him to stop!”_ **

But it had worked before, hadn’t it. Papyrus got him to stop just by talking to him.

“yeah.” Sans squeezed his brother’s hand, careful not to hurt him. “i’m sure we can.”

The scientist was carrying a bundle of clothes and sheets when he returned. The two brothers waited as he placed the bedding on the floor and entered the passcode. The lasers shut off and the scientist picked a fresh green gown from the ground. Sans helped his brother to his feet, noticing with worry how Papyrus gritted his teeth as he stood. He was unsteady and it seemed to take a lot of effort to stand. Bitter venom twisted inside Sans as he watched his brother painfully struggling to stay upright. He did his best to steady Papyrus as he undid the strings holding the gown together and slipped off what was left of the tattered green clothes.

The scientist wordlessly handed him the new gown and set about replacing their singed bedding with fresh white sheets. Sans waited for his brother to put his arms through the gown’s sleeves before tying the knot at the back, pretending not to notice how Papyrus stiffened whenever he moved too fast or put too much pressure on his arms.

He helped his brother sit back down on the floor, grateful Papyrus hadn’t needed to stand for too long. An awkward silence stretched between the three skeletons, drowning out words that never existed. Tension buzzed in the air making every small movement feel strange and stiff. Sans felt his brother go rigid when he sat down, whether to avoid his wounds flaring up or out of his worries swarming his mind he didn’t know. Eventually, the scientist finished replacing the bedding, pushing the ruined sheets into a pile outside of the cell, and reactivated the lasers. Papyrus relaxed the moment the lasers were turned on, though he’d probably relax more once the scientist left...

Wait.

Why was he still here? He was just standing there, staring at them with his emotionless face. Were they in trouble? He couldn’t remember doing anything wrong; they’d done what the scientist wanted, right? Maybe he should say something. But what would he say? Why was he just staring at them? Why didn’t he say something? What did he-

“I’m going to be moving you to a new cell soon. Due to this, all tests will be delayed until further notice.” The scientist’s voice was as cold and unwavering as always, cutting through the silence like one of his many bladed tools. “That said, tomorrow I would like to examine 2P’s wounds. Subject 2, would you be alright with being away from your brother for a few minutes tomorrow.”

Wait, was that... a question? The scientist seemed like he was waiting for an answer. Why would he ask something like that? It’s not like he wouldn’t just take him anyway.

“I-I, uh.” Startled, Papyrus stuttered out his words, trying to find the answer the scientist wanted. “Um, y-yes?”

“Good. Now get some rest.” The scientist scooped up the pile of torn bedding and said one last thing before he left. “You both had quite the scare today.”

He sounded so strange when he said that, softer, almost... kind. Was he being kind to them? It seemed too good to be true, but it made sense, didn’t it. Giving Papyrus that gas so he wouldn’t feel anything, calling off tests because he got hurt, asking him whether he’d be alright for an examination - those were all kindnesses, little pieces of mercy that the scientist had inside him. Maybe he really could be good. No, it wasn’t a maybe anymore. He _could_ be good and, if they kept trying, maybe he would be. Hope burned brightly in the darkness, filling him with a strange sort of strength. There wasn’t much he could do but what he could do might just be enough.

 

************************************************************************************************

 

Dumping the ruined bedding into a closet, Gaster began making a mental list of what he needed to do for the next day. The most pressing matter would be acquiring burn ointment. Sans was a much weaker healer than his brother and if Gaster were to try healing he’d be more likely to just make it worse. Luckily, burn ointment was easy to get hold of, what with Hotland being filled with lava and fire. Anything else he needed for Papyrus’ examination was already available around the lab so it wouldn’t take too long to get set up.

Once that was done he could begin preparing a new cell. The sooner he could move the two children the better, he could hardly continue his experiments if they injured themselves every time he left them alone.

_But that’s not the only reason, is it Wingding? You feel guilty, don’t you? Of course you do, you always make things harder than they have to be. You’re such an idiot, getting attached like that._

He wasn’t getting attached; he just couldn’t afford to lose a test subject. A sickening feeling wrapped itself around him. What would have happened if he hadn’t ended the test early? Would Papyrus have kept hurting himself that whole time? If he and Sans had come back any later... Would Papyrus have- _See! You’re doing it again. Papyrus this, Sans that! You keep calling them those stupid pet names. You keep thinking of them as children. No wonder you’re getting attached. They’re not children, you can’t think of them like that. How can you SAVE anyone when you keep thinking like that?_

He still needed to get that burn ointment. Standing there wouldn’t do any good. Gaster made his way to the elevator, keeping his focus on what he needed to do.

The ride up only took a minute but it felt agonisingly long that day, most other days too. With nothing to do but let his mind wonder, his thoughts often turned to the unpleasant realities of his life. He blocked out the thoughts of the day’s events and instead focused on his list.

After what felt like an hour, Gaster stepped out into his lab. It was just as messy as it had been the day before, filled with old and broken experiments that he’d given up on or just hadn’t had time for. He should have thrown most of them out months ago but he couldn’t find the time or the motivation to bother. After all, he didn’t use this part of the lab for anything these days and it wasn’t like there was going to be an inspection anytime soon. It was the queen who supervised the royal scientist’s projects and kept them on track, the king just wasn’t up to the task.

It was poor management but he could hardly complain. After all, if King Asgore knew what he was doing his project would be shut down and he’d never be able to free everyone. No, he could never let anyone know what he did down there. His goal was too important to stop before it was completed, before the barrier was broken. Using the data he gathered from his experiments he’d create an artificial soul, one with the power needed to break the barrier. All the days he spent locked inside the lab, all the LOVE he’d acquired and all the suffering he put those children through, it would all be worth it once his work was complete. Once he created those two last souls they’d all be free. To be back on the surface, for everyone to be free, he was willing to do whatever it took for that dream to be a reality.


	10. Dust danced in the firelight

As much as Gaster disliked elevators even he would admit it was a better alternative to walking when it came to Hotland. The long, confusing paths of Hotland mixed with an annoying amount of puzzles made it one of the most frustrating places to navigate. The heat certainly didn’t help matters. While skeletons aren’t as affected by extreme temperatures as other monsters, the level of heat in Hotland was still quite uncomfortable if you weren’t used to it.

Thankfully, there was an elevator near the lab that went straight to the town on the other side of Hotland. The elevator ride wasn’t that long, considering how far it had to go, but it was just as unpleasant as the others. He couldn’t let his mind wander, it only ever made things worse. If he could just keep himself distracted for ten minutes he’d be fine.

Ignoring the voices muttering dark words inside his head, Gaster let the world fade away into a distant memory. He was a child again, lying under the warmth of the sun on a blanket of grass. The sun’s rays washed over him as a cool breeze danced through the nearby forest trees. Nine hundred and nineteen years had passed since he’d seen the surface, yet that feeling was still so vivid in his mind. That wonderful sensation of being alive and knowing everything around you was also alive. As a child he’d often hide in an out of the way clearing near his village when he was upset or wanted to be alone. Dotted with golden flowers and surrounded by trees that blossomed in the spring, the clearing had been one of the most beautiful places he’d ever seen. He’d spend hours just lying there, surrounded by colour and life.

But he couldn’t do that anymore. The Underground was so lifeless. Monster magic made the place more hospitable, causing plants to grow and even making weather, but nothing changed how fake and dead the Underground felt. Everywhere he went was so monochromatic, so devoid of variety. From the cold, lonely blues of Waterfall to the angry, bitter reds and browns of Hotland, the Underground was only filled with extremes. No matter how hard you looked, you wouldn’t find any pink flowers in Waterfall. The capital was even worse, a crowded city filled only with dull greys and lifeless stone.

 Snowdin was the only place that felt like it was real. The constant snow and surrounding trees made it feel almost like he was back in his village on the surface, in the middle of winter. The houses were made in warm colours giving the town some much needed colour and making the place feel almost homely. But Snowdin was still just another cave devoid of sunlight and fresh air. This place could never compare to the surface.

The Underground was nothing more than a prison made by the humans that had sealed them here. But most monsters had never known anything else, they’d spent their entire lives in these lifeless and despair filled tunnels. They’d never seen the sunrise light the world with colour or made pictures out of stars and clouds. The humans had trapped then down here, they’d stolen their children’s futures and destroyed their hope.

A familiar searing sensation burned in his throat, coursing through his body and bitterly pulsing inside of him. He knew this feeling; he’d known it for over nine hundred years. He **hated** them. He hated them more than anything in the world. They were the reason everyone was trapped down here. The humans had taken everything from them. They’d destroyed their homes; they burned them to the ground and forced countless monsters to flee.

 

**_And then they turned them all to dust._ **

In a village filled with warm, flickering reds under a sky wrapped in a blanket of smoke, dust fell like snow on a cold winter’s day. That was the sight he’d woken to, in his mother’s arms as she ran. Before he realised what had happened, it had seemed almost beautiful. The way dust danced in the bright glow of burning houses reminded him of his father’s paintings. Black smoke filled the air, contrasting the consuming firelight like ink spilling over a colourful canvas. His father would have loved to paint something like that. Where was he anyway? Why wasn’t he here?

He remembered the moment the horror took hold of him. The moment he realised his world would never be the same, that everything he’d cared about was gone. They were alone. Everyone else was dead. Cries of victory and dust-lust rang out through the valley. Humans in armour swarmed round the remains of his village, weapons raised as they celebrated their massacre. They didn’t feel any remorse, they didn’t care about all the lives they’d taken, they were _proud_ of what they’d done. All the humans wanted was to kill them.

 

The lift reached its destination with a slight shudder, startling Gaster out of his thoughts. His whole body trembled with the rage and hatred that lived inside his soul. He stiffened as the doors slid open, trying to regain some of his composure before he risked meeting someone.

_You can’t let anyone see you like this. What would people say? You’re the Royal Scientist, you can’t have people thinking you can’t handle the job._ Taking a deep breath, Gaster made his way out of the lift and towards the town. _Don’t make eye contact with anyone. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t let anyone know you’ve got something to hide._

Forcing himself not to run straight to the shops and out again, he kept a reasonable pace as the browns and reds were replaced by a purple bricked landscape. Yet another monotone town, as sad and dull as the rest of them. All he needed to do was walk to the nearest shop and get back in the lift before anyone noticed him. There wasn’t any reason to be nervous; it was just a shopping trip. He’d be fine.

_What’s wrong with you? You can’t even go shopping without making it harder for yourself. How do you expect to SAVE everyone like this? You’re like a child. A pathetic little child who can’t do anything right._

He just needed to keep walking. As soon as he’d got what he needed, he’d leave. It would only take a minute; he’d be out of there soon. He’d be fine so long as no one noticed him.

“Dr Gaster! I haven’t seen you around here in ages. How’s all that scientist stuff treating you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, just a quick heads up. The next chapter REALLY doesn't want to be written and it might take more time than usual. So don't worry if chapter 11 isn't out on time, I haven't abandoned the story. I'm not sure when it'll be done so I'm sorry if it takes a while. I'm really sorry if there's a delay but I hope you understand.


	11. It'll be worth it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *You see how people are enjoying your fanfiction and leaving lovely comments.  
> *It fills you with DETERMINATION.  
> *Even though you miss the deadline, you finish the next chapter and post it only a day late.  
> *You thank everyone for being patient and tell them you hope they enjoy the next chapter.

“Good morning, Ager.” _Stay calm, don’t let him see through you, don’t make him suspicious._ “My work’s certainly been keeping me busy. It’s a good job but it’s quite time consuming.”

Forcing himself to take up a pleasant tone, Gaster turned to the orange-scaled monster. Ager had stuck his giant head out of the earth behind him, catching the scientist off guard. He wore a grin too large for his face and his eyes were bigger than Gaster’s head. Everything about him was oversized, it was a wonder he could move through his tunnels with such ease.

“The Royal Scientist’s work is never done.” The monster let out a chuckle, his head rocking as he laughed. “I’m glad to see you in such good health. Just make sure you don’t spend all your time in that lab. You’ve got to get out every now and then.”

“Of course.” Air like poison burned in Gaster’s throat as he spoke, begging to make itself known. “I’ve just been having a busy period at work, I’m sure it’ll clear up soon.”

“I should hope so, you can’t live your entire life at work.” He paused for a moment, smile fading from his face. “You know Gaster, people are getting pretty worried about you. No one’s seen you out of the lab in months, not even in Snowdin. Are you sure you’re okay?” _Oh, God, he knows. Everyone knows. They can all see right through you. No, no, no, **oh God,** **no.**_

“I appreciate your concern, Ager, but I can assure you I’m completely fine.” Fear twisted inside his chest, stifled under the mask of a calm and collected persona. “There’s really no need to worry.”

“Well, if you say so.” The monster let his words trail off, making no effort to hide his uncertainty. Silence stretched around the two, suffocating the world in tension.

“I should be going.” _Yes, run away. Run away like the coward you are._ “I wish I could stay and chat but I have an important errand to run. Perhaps we’ll get a chance to talk properly sometime.”

“Ah, right.” Ager shifted, looking unsure and awkward. “I’ll, uh, let you get on with that then. I guess I’ll see you around.” Nodding stiffly, Gaster turned towards town. He’d only walked a few steps when Ager called out to him.

“Look, Gaster, I know you said you’re fine but...” He hesitated for a moment, as if trying to find the right words. “If you’re ever _not_ fine, no one’s gonna judge you for it. There are a lot of people who care about you and we’re always here for you if you ever need us. It’s alright to ask for help, okay? You don’t have to deal with this alone.”

For a moment, it felt like the whole world was frozen in place. Words pierced into him, cutting open each scar he’d kept hidden. Agony seared from his chest into his throat. His vision began to turn blurry, stinging and tinted yellow. Something cold and wet ran down his face, buzzing and evaporating within moments. _No, stay in control. Don’t let him see you like this. Don’t let him see how weak you are._

“i-i’ll keep th-that in mind.” His voice trembled as he choked out the words. “i- ager... th-thank you, i-... i have to go.” He ran away. Speeding along the road, Gaster veered into the nearest alleyway.

“Gaster, hey, wait!” He barely registered Ager’s voice, vainly trying to reach him. He didn’t stop, he didn’t even look back, he just kept running. He fled through the back alleys, desperately hoping no one would notice him.

Gaster stumbled to a halt somewhere deeper into the town’s back alleys. The simple act of breathing filled his body with burning pain. He sank to the ground, too exhausted to stay standing. The yellow glow from his eyes reflected on bits of broken glass and flickered against the cracked, grimy walls.

_What’s wrong with you? You can’t even have normal conversations anymore. You always make everything harder for yourself. You have no self-control, bursting into tears and stuttering like that... What did you think you’d achieve with that pathetic cry for help? No one can help you. No one would want to help you if they knew what you’d done._

Burying his face in his hands, he leaned against the slightly crumbling wall and pulled his legs up to his chest. No, he didn’t deserve any help. He didn’t deserve to have people who cared about him. _But people **do** care about you, and you’ve made them worry about you. You’re such a selfish little thing. All you ever do is hurt people._

Everything hurt. It hurt to breath, it hurt to think, it hurt to just be alive. He deserved this pain, he deserved to suffer. The Underground was a miserable place, so why did he keep making people feel worse. The monsters who cared for him were worrying about him, all because he kept himself locked away in that lab. He was hurting everyone he cared for; Ager, Gerson, Asgore, Grillby... Oh God, Grillby. When was the last time he’d talked to him, _seen_ him even? It must have been, what, a year now? He’d been avoiding him ever since he started this damned project. _He probably hates you. Who just starts avoiding someone they’ve known for over nine hundred years without as much as a word?_

Grillby would have known something was wrong, they’d known each other too long for him not to. He’d worry, he’d try to help him, he’d find out the truth. Gaster didn’t think he could ever look his friend in the eye again, not after what he’d done. Things could never be same.

And those poor children, they’d suffered more than anyone else. They didn’t deserve any of this. They were just kids; no child should have to go through what they had. They deserved to be happy.

_But what else can you do? Everyone’s relying on you to set them free. If you stop now then it was all for nothing. Everything you’ve sacrificed, every EXP you earned, it was all just for senseless torture._

Letting out a shaky breath, Gaster wiped his face clean of tears. He climbed to his feet, leaning on the wall for support. The yellow light faded from his eyes as Gaster regained his composure. He brushed down his clothes and took on a safely neutral expression. He waited for a moment, letting the remaining pain ebb away, before he made his way out of the alley. He had to break the barrier, everyone was counting on him. Once they were free, everybody would be happy. Then all his LOVE, all the suffering he’d caused, it would all be worth it.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm still having a hard time with writing right now. I've got a pretty bad case of writers block. I might have to go on hiatus for a while. I'm still going to be writing and I'm going to try and post as soon as possible but I just don't know when I'll be able to. I'm really sorry about this but thank you for being so patient with me.


	12. Always my fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that took way too long. Sorry for keeping you all waiting for so long. I'd like to say it won't happen again but knowing me, well, it probably will. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be posted but it's about 2/3 done. I'll try not to keep you waiting four months this time. Sorry again.

A yell rang out into the corridors, as sudden and jolting as an explosion. Blue burned from Sans’ left eye, alarm surging through his bones, as he awoke in a flaring panic. That was Papyrus’ scream. Papyrus, where was Papyrus? His bed was empty. Terror seared into his chest, for an awful moment, Sans feared his brother had been taken away from him. A pained hiss coming from the ground broke into his fear. Papyrus lay on the cold floor, curled up and tense from pain, clutching onto his arm. Sans was at his brother’s side in an instant, helping Papyrus into a sitting position.

“papyrus, are you alright?” He held on to his injured brother, careful not to put him in anymore pain. “what happened?”

“I-I’m fine.” There was a slight hiss in Papyrus’ voice, tense from pain. “I just fell, that’s all.”

“you sure? you don’t sound fine.” Gently placing his hands on his brother’s arm, Sans eye began to glow green. “here, bro, let me help you with that.”

“You really don’t need to.” Papyrus winced as he tried to pull his arm away. “I’ll be okay.”

“papyrus, you’re hurt, you’re in pain.” If he’d been able to, Sans would have frowned. “i’m not going to just sit here if there’s something i can do about it.”

“B-but, Sans, you’re going to -”

“Stop arguing with me Papyrus.” His voice was barely a whisper but there was something about it that seemed to scream and echo throughout the halls. “Just let me do this for you.”

He hadn’t meant for his voice to tremble like that. He hadn’t meant for Papyrus to hear these constant welling emotions. This worry, this fear, this... helplessness. Why did Papyrus have to be so stubborn? Why wouldn’t he let him do the only thing he could to help? He could hardly even do that as it was. Maybe Papyrus picked up on his brother’s feelings because he didn’t say anything else about it, letting Sans heal his wounds. Letting his magic pool up into his hands, Sans pulled all his energy towards Papyrus’ arms, hoping he could at least dull the pain. Green light filled the small room as Sans poured everything he could into his brother. A nauseating fatigue ached through his bones, growing as magic left his body. He kept going, scraping at the last of his magic and watching it wash through his brother.

“Sans, I think maybe you should stop now.” Worry leaked into Papyrus’ voice as he tried to pull away from his brother’s grip. “You’re going to use up all your magic.” Only a small trickle of energy left Sans, he didn’t have much left, but he didn’t let go. He couldn’t let go, he could still help Papyrus, there had to be something he could do.

“i’ll be fine.” That was a lie, a stupid, awful lie. Pain ran down his spine, shooting though each bone as he exhausted his magic. The room became blurry, turning Papyrus into a white smudge on a grey canvas.

“S-Sans..”

“i’m fine.”

“Sans.”

“papyrus, stop.”

“Sans!”

Papyrus grabbed on to his brother as the world tipped over. It took a moment for Sans to register the sensation of falling and being jerked to a stop before he hit the floor. Arms wrapped around him, pulling him into his brother’s warmth. Sans hadn’t realised how much he was shaking, each tremble making his bones rattle. How could he have been so stupid? He didn’t even have enough energy to keep himself upright. He couldn’t even heal his brother without messing something up. Trembling, Sans put his arms around the white blur that looked a little bit like Papyrus, letting his body sink into his brother. There was an orange glow mixing into the rest of the smudged room. He could feel magic vibrating from it, trying to reach with him, and washing through the room. A tiny flicker of blue joined it for a second before it lost the energy to keep going.

“S-Sans?” A small voice cut through slowly darkening blurs. “Sans, c-can you hear me? Are y-you okay?”

“i’m okay.” What a stupid, awful lie. It hurt just to speak. “i’ll be fine.”

Then the world turned black.

************************************************************************************************

The lights had turned on a little while ago but the scientist hadn’t come for him yet. Papyrus held his sleeping brother, hoping Sans would wake up before he had to leave. His burns hurt less than they had that morning, the ones on his spine where only slightly agonizingly painful when he touched them. Sans’ magic had sealed up all the cracks around his left eye, he could even see out of it again. Yet somehow, he felt worse than before, fear and worry wormed inside of him until he felt sick. Trying not to relive his brother collapsing, the overwhelming panic and horror, was nearly impossible. The way his thoughts went round in circles made him feel like he was going mad. Though, it wouldn’t be the first time. He just felt so lost without Sans. It made him feel like he was back in that room again. That room where-

_No, I can’t think about that. Not right now. Argh, why won’t Sans wake up?!_

Papyrus leaned his head against the wall, trying not to fidget under his brother’s weight. If it wasn’t for his burns he could pick Sans up and put him somewhere more comfy, not that there was anywhere particularly comfy to put him. At the very least he could grab his puzzle cube like he had wanted to earlier.

_I should have just waited for Sans to wake up. What was I even thinking? I was supposed to stay in bed, not go off to get a cube. This is all my fault. I’m such an idiot._

It was always his fault, he always did something stupid and got Sans hurt. That’s why he got put in that room in the first place, because he was stupid and didn’t do what he was supposed to. Sans had been so worried about him and Papyrus made him feel like that. He should have just done what the scientist told him, then Sans wouldn’t have had to worry.

_I’m always like that. I’m always doing something stupid and I just keep getting Sans hurt. If I hadn’t got myself burned Sans wouldn’t have had to heal me. He’d be fine if it wasn’t for me._

**_“Don’t ever think like that. If you weren’t here I wouldn’t have bothered to keep going this long.”_ **

Sans couldn’t have really meant that, he was just trying to make him feel better. Papyrus only ever caused his brother pain. How could he have possibly kept his brother going? What did he even mean by that?

He wouldn’t talk like that unless he meant it though. He only talks like that when he’s really serious. Why would Sans say something like that?

“ugh, pap?” Sans shifted and let out a groan. “what happened?”

“Sans!” Papyrus pulled his brother into his arms, ignoring the pain that shot up them. “I’m so glad you’re awake. I was afraid I’d have to go while you were still asleep.”

“huh, go where?” The smaller skeleton looked up at his brother with foggy confusion, apparently not quite awake yet.

“For the examination.” Despite himself, Papyrus couldn’t help but feel annoyed at having to remind him. “He said he was going to check my burns today, remember?”

“oh.” Sans paused for a moment, rubbing his head. “yeah, i remember.”

“He’ll probably be here soon.” The taller skeleton sighed, he’d hoped he and his brother would get to spend more time together. “The lights have been on for a while now.”

“you gonna be okay?”

“I’ll be fine.”

_I’m the one who should be worried, I wasn’t the one who passed out._

That’s what he should have said, but he didn’t. The brothers fell into silence, neither willing to bring up the obvious. Papyrus was never quite sure why they did that. He didn’t know why he never said anything. Maybe he didn’t want to hurt his brother’s feelings, maybe he felt like it was his fault, maybe a part of him liked getting taken care of.

_Maybe I’m just selfish._

It didn’t matter why he didn’t say anything but he never did. Sans kept hurting himself to protect him and Papyrus had never managed to make him stop. Did he really even try?

_No, I’m just a coward._

Would it stop him if he did?

_Of course it would. It’s my fault Sans keeps getting hurt._

But he never had said anything and he didn’t say anything again. He let it go, just like he always did, half hoping his brother would be the one to say the unspoken. But Sans didn’t mention it, he never did, maybe even hoping the same.

The scientist’s footsteps were a relief in a way, filling the silence with fearful anticipation and drowning out the guilty feeling of letting things get worse. Sans had moved off his brother’s lap a while ago, instead sitting next to him. As the footsteps got closer, Papyrus found himself wishing they’d said more before he had to leave. When the scientist reached the cell, Sans reached out and gave his brother’s hand a squeeze. Papyrus squeezed back, not letting go until he had to stand up.

_It’s fine. I don’t need to be scared, it’s just an examination. It’s going to be fine._

So why couldn’t he stop his hands shaking?


End file.
